I Remember
by StarQuality
Summary: In a lonely moment in the Safe House, Nick Klein thinks about when he found Cass.


**Title:** I Remember...

**Author:** StarQuality

**Disclaimer:** I don't own _The Bill_, by GOD if I did, I'd make Smiffy have minimal clothes, bring back Luke (And take away his clothes) and then kill Kerry. But, as I don't, then I can't. Although me and Sibby have a plot to take overTB... Not that we ever would.

**Summary:** In a lonely moment in the Safe House, Nick Klein thinks about when he found Cass.

**A/N:** I suggested that my dear friend Sibby wrote this, but she suggested I did. So I am. Here it is. It's the first fic I've ever written without dialogue! Go me! It's the first FanFic written in first person (For me, not... Obviously), and second fic of all written in first. (Other one is on FictionPress. Shameless plug: _Just One Dance.) _So, be nice. Basically, Nick is talking to Cass in his head. Perhaps he's writing a letter... (Oooh, plot bunny attack! I'll go put that one in a hutch for the time being.) It was a long time ago, this, so the bit about him radioing (That's a word right?) in to the nick, I kind of made that up. Notice how every paragraph begins and ends with the same thing. Aren't I clever?

**Story**

I remember. I remember it all. The laughs, the tears, the arguments... I remember our friendship so well. But, there are many things that were left unsaid when you were killed.

I remember the terrible times. The argument beforehand I mean. I said some hurtful things, but you know that I didn't mean them, it was all in the heat of the argument.. I know that I was wrong saying that I didn't give a toss about you. Of course I did, I was in love with you, and in many ways, I still am. But, I never told you.

I remember how I felt about you before I fell in love with you. Well, we were best mates, weren't we? Nick and Cass. Cass and Nick... We had so much fun together. Alright, so it wasn't always good. There was my drug problem, and then there was Simon Kitson. But, we still remained friends.

I remember when you went missing. I remember that very day. It was Cop Idol, wasn't it? You were so nervous about that. It was going to be you, Kerry and Robbie doing _Atomic Kitten._ Do you know who did your part for you? I expect you do, but it was Gemma. They won. But, they would've done a lot better if you had been in there.

I remember the moment that I finally realised that something had happened to you. I knew you wouldn't have ignored my messages, even if we had had the argument. You weren't like that, you weren't stubborn, you would've given in. But, I didn't get an answer, and that's when I knew it.

I remember walking along near the area where I found you. I just saw this crumpled heap. And I knew. I didn't even have to go towards it, I knew it was the woman that I loved. And it was. I stood and looked for a minute, wondering whether to go down, I didn't want to, I wasn't sure if I could handle it. But, I did, and it was you.

I remember running down towards you. I was holding back the tears, I knew I had to be strong. Many times in my life, I've felt so weak that I've just crumbled. Crumbled like badly built brickwork. Not this time though. I felt that if I weakened to these feelings, these feelings that eat away at me, then I would die too. But, I stayed strong, for you, Cass.

I remember kneeling on the rocks with you. I held you in my arms, and that's when the emotion poured out of me. The tears rolled down my cheeks. I'm not ashamed to admit it, I was distraught. I always knew that in the back of my mind that I would find you, but I wasn't prepared for this. I held you and I prayed. I prayed for you to be alright. I prayed for this to be a dream. But, it wasn't.

I remember not wanting to give you up. I knew I had to report that I found you, but I wanted to wait. I knew that they would take you away. Even if it was for the best, it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted you to be alive again. But, I knew this wasn't possible.

I remember the feeling of utter heartbreak. When people say 'He broke my heart', they don't mean it. Not until they've gone through this pain. When I found you, dead, I felt like my heart has shattered. I felt like someone had ripped it out of me and smashed it to pieces. That someone, to me, was the heartless bastard that took you away from me. To be honest, with all the rage I felt, if I had been faced with your killer, I would've ripped them limb from limb. But, I knew you wouldn't have wanted me to do this, you didn't have a vengeful bone in your body.

I remember radioing into the station. I told them that I had found you. I don't think that they heard me properly, I had to repeat it several times... I think it was because... Because I was crying. No, I wasn't crying, I was sobbing. I broke down. All I could think of was you, and this killer. I wanted to kill them. But, again, I knew you would've hated me if I had done that.

I remember when I finally realised you were gone. It was only a few days ago. That sounds stupid, doesn't it? Its been just over a year now, since you died, and it's only just hit me. I cried when I realised. I cry almost everyday. For you. When I get like this, the guy that stays with me just leaves me alone. That's how I feel some of the time. Alone. But, I know I always have you.

I remember the many nights trying to work it all out. My feelings for you. Before and after. Oh, I had worked out long ago that I loved you, but I was an idiot and didn't tell you. I'm kicking myself now. In fact, I feel like everyone is kicking me. People that tell me I have to let go. People who tell me that you're gone and there's nothing I can do. People that tell me I have to forget. But, I'll never forget.

I remember.

**_The End_**

**Thanks for reading that, I feel so much better for writing it. I wasn't feeling too good when I started... But I'm okay now. Thanks to Sibby for her help and inspiration to write this, it's all dedicated to you girl, get writing that TB fic.**


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